I call ahead to the restaurant and tell them she’s had a stroke which has changed her personality

Part of me really wanted Momager to actually smack Psycho Santa with the pizza pan.

If I were such a huge asshole that my family had to tell people that I had brain damage to explain my behavior, I’d MAYBE think about dialing it back just a bit.

So Gay marriage is pretty much like regular marriage? Got it!

I’d suggest that we form a support group, but we’d just end up boning the guys from the sexual addiction group across the hall.

Yes, if he still looked like this and didn’t say words:

Yes. That would be the perfect option. If I had to f*ck him now I’d just close my eyes and pretend it was 1996.

I like tall stupid men.

If you think about it, any story about food is the beginning of a poop story.

It's Irvine so I'm guessing Kumon and soccer tournaments.

I live in a condo that happens to have several gay couples living there. The one other heterosexual couple (my husband and I are heterosexual too) in my condo are such idiot assholes always letting their stupid guests park right in front of my garage so I have had to go knock on their door several times so I can get…

Once, an 8-top of Christians left one of those “Here’s a Tip for You!” pamphlets on my table, in lieu of a cash tip. I was sort of used to this, so I didn’t remark much, just tossed it into the bus tub with the rest of the debris, and a glower.

“Near the end of my lustrous career I had a drive-through customer who asked for his coffee “stirred twice clockwise, three times counter-clockwise, and four times clockwise.””

While that idiot certainly deserves to be thrown into her very own “naked and afraid” episode, I make cakes with flour, eggs, butter, baking powder, cocoa and flavoring. It’s not that hard, they’re oil free, and they taste pretty good even if I say so myself. I never even heard of putting oil in cakes until I found…

I for one love the ‘cryptic’ names, it’s funny now.

Jamie Layton’s story reminds me of a famous story I heard when I was working at a regional theater festival.

Can we get a week of just horrible parents/kids stories? People with kids are the fucking worst

Oh god, I thought I'd lost you, BCO. DON'T EVER SCARE ME AGAIN.

omg... I was refreshing Kitchenette like a mofo this morning and around 1pm EST I was like "IS BCO GONE FOREVER?!!" if it was there were going to be some tears on my keyboard.

If tomorrow all my things were gone