Only the fucking Democracts could allow this argument to be framed as “Which of your plans is worse for tax payers” instead of “ANY of our plans is far superior to what Donald Trump and his friends in the GOP want for you”.

Amir Garrett’s that friend you’re happy you have but you kind of wish wasn’t your friend.

Meanwhile, this field which isn’t safe enough for professional athletes is used all the time by unpaid athletes!

the bengals essentially practice under a fucking interstate bridge anyway. nobody gives a shit about these poor souls. it’s like they’re banished to a prison colony where vontaze burfict is jack or ralph and i don’t remember lord of the flies all that well fuck it i’m gonna go smoke a bowl.

I saw the Dayton Triangles play when I was a youngster. I have to say that I found their offense rather obtuse.

So they were cursed because they didn’t play on some ancient burial grounds?

Sam Bradford has earned $130 million over the course of his career. This will never stop baffling me.

your feelings are, I am confident, of great interest to you

Saving on medical bills. 

The Cardinals are the Lions with a Super Bowl appearance. 

In total fairness, I’m pretty sure that based on the drafting history of the Cardinals, “no respect to Larry” is permanently bolted to the door overhang of the GM’s office. It’s Cardinal speak for “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”.

They have all the cache of an XFL3 outfit, ...

I appreciate it was a mistake but you’ve just given me my new favorite introductory clause.

They’re also more durable.

I feel obligated to point out in any article about the Cardinals just how fucking ridiculous the list of quarterbacks that Larry Fitzgerald has played with over the years is. Still, despite this he’s 2nd all time in yards, 3rd (will likely move up to 2nd this season) in receptions, and 6th in TDs. He’s nearly matched…

I am going to say yes, because it was the Washington Nationals.

Two suggested additions: intermission peewee hockey (which I would rank separately from #24, and which imho is a top 10 event) and “jumbotron shows some iteration of the shell game” (which is always bad and yet you cannot take your eyes away from it).

CTRL-F “frisbee dogs”

I think getting hit by a stray javelin would be pretty exciting. Maybe not in a good way, but you’d definitely take notice.

3,854,833. Splinter in tongue from using wooden spoon to eat chocolate malt.