1. No thank you, I would prefer that my post-doughnut poop not sparkle like fool’s gold.

Waaaaaaaannnnnnt those shoes.

Wait, who the hell is this person?

Nuh-uh. That is not a smile, that is a fear-grimace. Hopefully the photog went into a submissive, no-eye-contact pose and slunk away right after taking that so s/he didn't get mauled.

I would watch the crap out of this.

I would eat the shit out of that. Hooray for sustainable proteins!

"What a privilege, to concern yourself with seeming good while the rest of us want to seem worthy of life."

so, I don't want to go all supernerd, but don't treat animals like they're props. Monkeys are smart, moody, & capable of doing some serious damage when they feel threatened. Or are bored. Either way. Plus they and apes can contract some human diseases, making us a big threat to them. Just leave them alone & use the…

Nicely done.

What the christ is even happening here.

"Ugh, Hillary. Stop looking so damn eager. Has Victoria Beckham taught you NOTHING?"

YES.

I've had that happen to two cats, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Of course, this assumes that people adopt pets knowing that they won't be able to provide for them. I feel for all the folks who adopt pets and are then hit with unemployment, sudden huge medical bills of their own, etc. etc. and find themselves unable to afford care for their pets. Lots of people surrender them to…

Capital idea! The whole damn season is like a small child who's been kept up for three straight days, fed a mixture of Karo syrup, Red Bull and those sugar-free gummy bears that give everyone explosive diarrhea, and then put in the driver's seat of a monster truck that spews glitter out its exhaust pipe. I…

Sooo, I can feel the irony radiating from every word here, but this is still kinda gross, even for my twisted sense of humor.

WUT NO

Bullllllllshit.