I am initiating my internet shutdown protocols now. You have bested us all.

It looks like two Aquafina bottles kissing.

As long as they’re Denver omelettes, no problem.

I’m assuming my dish towels are fine.

Yes, clean your washing machine. Hint: if it smells it’s not actually clean. Glisten (no link provided) does this for washers, and the dishwasher version makes it run like new (it’s just citric acid).

I’m honestly amazed that people are debating this in the comments.

By “coal” I’m sure you meant “#1 draft pick”. It’s nobody’s fault when they draft a lump of coal.

The business you were in entitles you to no degree of giving your credibility any weight.

Glad to be of service!

This is what happens when Jezebel and Deadspin collide.

I lost you after the first 5 words ... some Trump voters would switch back, but not bazillions.

Sarcasm is not an inherited trait.

Kendrick Perkins is like a nuke, sitting out in the open for everyone to see.

If you’re only interested in the outcome, why don’t you just look up the stats once a year and content yourself with that? You obviously don’t enjoy watching basketball.

If you can’t tell that I was criticizing you, you really are shallow.

I’ve seen it too, and you zeroed in on the most terrible part. Seeing portly David Ogden Stiers painted green and stuffed into a super-cheap Manhunter costume completely shattered any suspension of disbelief. It’s like the opposite of glam.

Aha, 34. That explains the inspirational-level comments about “conviction” and “quitters”. Try it for another 30 years and then wonder what you achieved by being angry your entire life.

Barkeeper’s Friend is Satan’s urine, dehydrated. If it doesn’t take your stain out then the stain is probably cursed. It has the same relationship to Comet that Comet has to powdered sugar. That shit scares me.

You can’t sue people for defamation when they accuse you of a crime. What a rancid snowflake.

That’s a deep cut, there. Congratulations.