At which point, he will once again be as useful as a law student in most emergency situations.

NOPE NOPE DISMISS DELETE NOPE FUCK YOU WHY DID YOU PUT THAT IN MY BRAIN.

Luke is so desperately in need of an editor that Deadspin is hiring him to write awful soccer takes that only exist to generate hate clicks.

Why hasn’t ABC made a Capture The Flag TV show for the summer? Forget Wipeout or American Ninja Warrior (not nearly as entertaining as the original Japanese version because of all the godawful human interest stories) or Steph Curry’s putt-putt competition. Gimme a Capture The Flag show! 

Get your gas at Costco. They don’t even have a bucket to wash your windows with to help keep the line going.

Be a good person. The bar is set really fucking low.

What? Shouldn't the kittens have already been out? I don't want to meet the person who's like "can someone put these adorable fuzzballs away, I'm trying to watch FOOTBAW!"

Strategic kitten reserves are a staple of any good party.

I’ve only been back to St. Louis for a cumulative week or so over the past few years, but my sense from afar is that the city is more pissed about Kroenke talking shit on the way out the door and generally being an asshat than about not have an NFL team to root for. They didn’t have an NFL team since like 2006 anyway.

See, that’s a perfect take. Lots of LA Rams fans get genuinely upset at my “fuck Stan Kroenke (and all other NFL owners, including (especially) Green Bay), because he’s a piss of shit” and think I’m some sad sack from St Louis. But I have a big heart and there’s plenty of room in it to hate Kroenke and to feel joy at…

I was a St. Louis Rams fan that gave up on them 10 years before it was cool to give up on them.

It’s fucking embarrassing.

Fun Fact: in the halftime show, Big Boi rode a Cadillac down the field for more yards than the Rams had in the entire first half.

porno is funnier than porn.

Just when I start to think I have a decent handle on the world, I find out there’s not only a Jeremy Renner app, but also, apparently, an audience for it.

Proposing a ballot measure that if Miami goes 0-16 no member of the 1972 Dolphins can ever drink another drop of champagne. 

Barkevious Mingo will always be my favorite Star Wars character. 

My next dog will certainly be named Barkevious. That’s a Holiday Rambler Promise™.

Unless the CBA has changed, a player can't even renegotiate their contract until they've got 3 years experience. 

Italian Soccer Fans are Being Racist as Hell Again.