I bet Donald Trump saw this coming.

Trump also promised Christie the VP. Now he’s picking up dry cleaning.

I think even after Trump is dead there will be conspiracists stating that he isn’t really dead,

Wait... you want me to take an active part in my child’s life? I thought I just knock you up and then get to put the kid’s picture on my desk while I harass my female co-workers.

The West sends help: “America fears our nuclear power, and they now give us respect and do our bidding!”

Send cake!

Good on you for the abstinence. And you’re not a bad guy because it stresses you out or you feel badly about it. You’re only a bad guy if you don’t do anything about it- and that is within your power. Best of luck.

Cosby’s defense will also claim he once tried to drug and rape a women in an Airbnb, but was denied guest access because he was black.

And why in the fuck are they watching tennis?

Ashley Madison mixer, most likely

Her singing makes the hair stand up on my arms and every bit of me pays close attention. I was talking to a woman at work about music years ago and told her Mavis was hot as hell. She gave me the strangest look and something about “I just don’t see that.” I told to listen to her sing and it would make perfect sense.

Oh, fuck that noise. I try to make it sound like that scene from Austin Powers with Tom Arnold in the next stall when some fool is in the bathroom with me talking on the phone. There is a time and place for everything and the restroom is not the place for a phone conversation.

I would flush twice. Just to up the awkwardness factor.

Last week there was a guy in the stall next to me that was carrying on a full, professional phone conversation with a client with repeated plops in the background. I even waited to get up until he was finished so there wouldn’t be an audible flush.

Come to my place, I have the Mel Brooks collection on blu-ray . . . and bourbon.

“I don’t own a copy of Young Frankenstein.”

Maybe Donald thinks they’re hot.

I bought a can of them the other day. For some reason they were labeled “Vienna Sausages.”

No, the doctors were clearly confused about the objective.