I’m sorry I don’t gif, and I’m not graphic designer. This is just done with love and a limited amount of time.

Your opinions? Both of them?

Why I gotta wear more clothes than Jesus in Church tho.

My manager finally comes over and informs me that she is removing the gratuity from the bill.

I worked in a library when I was in High School. There was nothing worse than the people who thought “library” meant “free babysitting”.

Does anyone know how to become a contestant on Shark Tank?

On the other hand, the salt shaker on your table may be hell-bent on the extermination of all life in the universe that is not salt.

How could a guest be any worse? Unless you are say Rachel from friends and you ruin the whole goddamn thing because the groom is in love with you not the bride and says the wrong thing. Really that was more Ross’s fault though. Please elaborate on how she could have been worse? Maybe if she was like Godzilla and…

Jeff definitely needs more representation around here. I can only do so much.

“I would rather be raised by two gay guys than be rotting in an orphanage in Romania,” he expounded, “But we’re not thinking about that girl. We’re thinking about the society, and it is definitely true that children do better with their own parents.”

Local cat is all “I brought the kid dead mice, why is nobody giving me accolades for trying to feed him solids? He’s two! He can handle it!”

Can you say sliced cheese?

I never shake hands with anyone anymore. I claim I’m a germophobe but really I’m afraid they might have touched Justin Beiber.

I find it funny that the right-wing Christian community is freaking out about “Sharia law” being allowed in America (no, no it’s not), but sees no problem with imposing laws that only have a basis in the Bible upon the rest of America. That’s not how this works; that’s not how any of this works.

“I hate ranch” is the new “I don’t even own a tv”.

I’m not one of those people who despises Kim Kardashian. I’ve tried to be, but I lack the will to care about her with any degree of intensity beyond that which I feel for breakfast cereal. Which is to say: essentially nil. I think she’s vapid and self-absorbed but is, on the whole, a decent person who works hard and…