Um, pregnancy.

It’s not unlike trying to stuff a marshmallow through a coin slot.

-_______-

If you managed to get pregnant via anal, you’re doing it too hard.

Torn foreskin... that wasn’t pretty but we kept our calm there was blood everywhere. and I had texted my feminist collective earlier stating that I would be arriving late to our meeting because I was hum... entering the bone zone. Fair to say that I didn’t make it to the meeting and my message to warn them was like…

soo. if the doctor thinks your boyfriend is abusing you... why would he be mean to YOU? does not compute.

Not sure if this is crazy enough but I got pregnant in our church parking lot by my equally horny Jesusy boyfriend. Our son is now 22 and we have been married for 21 years. We do anal on both of us.

Public Service Announcement to the Men: Always tell your partner when you’re about to come. The very first time I gave a blow job to completion, I exhaled just as my boyfriend came, causing me to shoot cum out of my nose all over both of us. It really, really burns.

During angry sex foreplay, a Russian woman did this sort of tackling/pro wrestling move and threw me back first through an IKEA coffee table. Did it right there on the floor between two halves of a table. So many scrapes and splinters.

Fractured my elbow in a three some. The doctor who looked at me was convinced that my boyfriend was abusing me and was extremely rude to me the entire time. The radiologist had a good laugh when I told him how I got my injury. It’s been seven years and I still find it hilarious.

Duuude my ex did this too. He would overshare so many details about his sexual experiences and brag about how numerous they were, then get mad at me for showing any sign that it’s not really what I wanted to be talking about. And of course it becomes all about us not being cool and accepting and stifling their light…

you got Kinja’d, Kinja just like your ex who can’t get over you

I couldn’t agree more. I’m not suing Walt Disney’s cryogenically (YES, I KNOW THIS ISN’T TRUE, BUT IT SOUNDS BETTER IN MY RANT THAN SUING HIS CREMATED REMAINS!) frozen head because because (SPOILER ALERT) Bambi’s mother got shot, and let me tell you that was a traumatic childhood experience. See also: Dumbo.

I fucking hate parents that are afraid to answer questions. If they won’t I will and they aren’t going to like the answers I give. For example:

NONONONONONONO

Children asking questions are the worse thing ever! /s

But children are asking questions! She might have to be a parent now and start answering them!

Hey kids, head down to the basement, Fluffy wants to say hi!

If the “damage was already done” parents sue, I’m going to die of mental exhaustion. Please don’t be asses. Please don’t sue and make this world worse. Get your money back, a complementary ticket or two, and deal.