Someone needs to get that child out of the house. She does not look like she's being well taken care of. The family has fallen apart. And...I was a chubby kid who became a fat adult, and I'm not trying to either fat shame nor pick on her, but she has gone from chubby to obese since Honey Boo Boo has been on the air.…

he could have said. "Hey, no, I can't handle this". The entire cast was stellar. The ENTIRE cast!!! Except for him! Norm Lewis, Ramin Karimloo, Samantha Barks...then there was Nick who was so wooden and stiff and awful. Fucking Russell Crowe did a better job in the movie and he was god awful too. When…

Poor little Cotton. I just want you to know that we, your brothers and sisters, are all praying for your safe return.

I saw Insane Masturbatory Rampage open for Slayer in '92.

Apparently the ambulance wasn't the only thing leaking fluids, amirite?

I remember the first time Man Who Fell to Earth was on cable, that scene happened and my friend and I turned to each other and simultaneously said "well, we've now seen David Bowie's penis" as if it had changed us somehow.

Um David Bowie #1 always....and then Ewan McGregor and the rest of your list. I have seen a lot of these movies and I don't remember all these dicks....I guess I was following the plot...???

Penises are weird.

yes but only after he turned my water into 3+ double whiskey gingers and like, didn't sleep in my bed after.

Sooo you're looking for volunteers??

Shit. I was so determined to loathe Ed Sheeran for all eternity. :-|

I come to Jezebel because it is a good place for u kno what.

I was trying not to be TOO vulgar, but yeah. Iknowwhatyou'resayin'!

I would have said "Just for the record, I just got assaulted and all you want me to do is go apologize? Is that right? Because I'm sure my lawyer wants to make sure that your words can't be taken out of context."**

**I've actually seen this happen with a server.

he did get a delightful spear of chicken liver toast which he was not particularly fond of because, you know, chicken liver is kind of gross and doesn't belong on toast.

are you fucking kidding me?

Everyone shut the fuck up when Ms. Bassett is talking.

This makes me want to weep uncontrollably...and I'm an hour away from leaving on a booze-filled vacation I am very excited about.

These are the guests that make us slog through all of the rest of the nonsense. It's not about the watch or the gifts or the tips - it's about those weird personal moments that are gestures of genuine gratitude for making someone else happy.

BURT REYNOLDS? You must leave this place, at once. Hurry before The BRIMSG hears you. You are not safe here.