Except for the ones written down as secret codes in the Bible, or on the Great Pyramid. Of Mars.

Trees nuked each other?

no genius has known math to achieve cubic!

Like an Eggo waffle?

Or the Time Cube version:
(-1) x (-1) = (+1) IS EVIL

One day at a time, man. One day at a time.
(WRONG! THERE ARE FOUR DAYS IN EACH 24-HOUR ROTATION OF EARTH! FOUR DAYS!)

evil dumb-ass professors word-murdered the site

DAMN YOU PASSOVER!

I got a book on etiquette and some luggage. Do you think my parents were trying to tell me something?

It should have been called "Eat shit!"

It should have been called "Eat shit!"

I still haven't seen God's 2 Dead.

Not an evangelical theme at all. One preacher (John Piper?) declared some kind of "sex week" (only for married folks, of course), and celebrated it by moving his marriage bed to the roof of his building and having sex with his wife there. Really.

(After the trial, Jesus is interviewed coming out of court."
"So Mr. Jesus, what did you think of Judge Pilate's vedict?"
"Aaaagghhhh! Aaaaaaarch! Oh God no, not the other hand. Aaaaaaagh!"
"Well thanks for participating, and I hope your appearance fee will make you feel a little better."

How does that work? Do you go through Thomas Aquinas's proofs, or just ask them to pray "Is the pope infallible?" and see if their ass itches or something?

Yellow Hat you heretic!!!

Or somebody who married an evangelical, figuring France was worth a mass.

Except Buddhism, apparently.

At one such school—I kid you not—male and female students had to walk on separate sidewalks. If they met each other's gaze, it was called "making eye-babies." (Can't remember which school this was. Maybe Bob Jones?)

But there were witnesses! Of course, this happened around the time when the sun went dark at noon, so their vision may have been impaired.