Dale Hansen is an American treasure and Dallas’ only redeeming quality.

In the words of Forrest Gump:

But the thing is, she probably genuinely believes that it is. The same way that she genuinely believes that Jesus was 6'2" with blond hair and blue eyes.

I’m not one to call some lady I’ve never met—or even heard of until now—a liar, but, umm...this:

If my husband was too dumb to find his way out of a locker room, I’d keep it to myself.

Binge and drunken are two different things. And yes, it’s pretty normal to get drunk in college. Meet someone of the sex you prefer and spend some time with them, laughing, maybe sleeping very little. I regret nothing of those times. This was the mid 80s, is it different now?

...but two Wongs don’t make a White.

What’s funny is that the number 69 can also be used to refer to a sex act.

Nice. Injuring his groin while 69ing is the Gronkiest of Gronking. Now put some ice on it.

Much like J. Crew, I don’t understand why Gap has refused to stop selling high quality basics. If you’re going to make jeans the center of your focus, then make clothes to go with those jeans that aren’t just 8,000 weird-fitting gray t-shirts. Another classic “If it ain’t broke...”

I read your comment as Ronan Farrow and Jon Lovitz. Yikes!

The water started to recede, I guess, maybe Sunday night — slowly, maybe early Monday morning.

I’ve never heard of this before. It’s like they’re saying “I’m not vanilla! I’m Tahitian vanilla.” Girl, same. Sit down.

Nope, she wore tennis shoes later that day. I’m sure Stan Smith is thrilled

I am still laughing my fool head off at that Top Gun cosplay. Gurrrrl, Kelly McGillis you ain’t.

“This is fine.”

BUTTTTTT WAIIIIT A MMMIINNUTTE

Look, it’s not complicated. Look at a map of the US. The rural areas are mostly red. The urban areas are mostly blue. Now look at a map of Texas and you’ll see the exact same thing. So why are all those seats red? What’s the difference? Well it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that Texas is huge, that the…

As a Houstonian who is a die-hard liberal - fuck you. You are a truly terrible shitty person. I’d wish awful things on you, but I’m not as shitty as you.