You know that Lindsay Lohan is doing OK because she returned to having red hair. It’s the barometer of ginger well being.

If the FDA would like to recommend a better way to eat my feelings I’d love to hear it.

hey FDA- FUCK YOU. i’ve eaten about 1,00,000 pounds of raw cookie dough and i’m still standing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“girl, i’mma have to call you back”

One day Jen is going to give birth to an elderly man and then all the doubters are going to look soooo stupid.

In visual form, and with an equivalent shrug:

Is that something we should worry about? I literally put EVERYTHING into my search history. Like “how long would it take for someone to die if you cut their hands and feet off” but like...I just started watching “slasher” and was CURIOUS-how much cocaine can you do and breastfeed seems like a totally normal thing to…

As a vagina-haver, I am so happy to have partner who loves and supports me, and actually TALKS about it. Dudes I’ve dated (even long term) in the past have said they were proud of me behind closed doors, but would often opt out of events where I received an award or accolade of any kind. My partner is at every event…

HONESTLY my first thought was:

You know when people profile, like, serial killers or whatever? Like “This person is probably a male in his late 40s, bad relationship with his mother, insecure, poorly educated but prone to snobbery and delusions of grandeur...”

Oh, man. I HATE when people say shit like, “Oh, you dressed up today, you look nice.” Like, they have to draw a contrast between different ways I dress or how much makeup I wear (or how your hair looks). The implication is that you what? Look like shit the rest of the time? HATE IT. Just leave it at “You look really…

I’m trying so hard to love my natural hair, but it’s a struggle for me. I feel like I’m more accepted and am seen as more professional at work when I straighten my hair. So many people tell me they prefer my hair straight and are like “oh, you did your hair today. It looks so nice.” Honestly, wearing my hair curly is…

Big Sexy Hair Spray & Play (and occasionally the Spray & Play Harder). I’ve tried so many hair sprays over the years and BSH is hands down the best: it holds, it doesn’t stink, it isn’t crunchy, and it lasts. Every time I try something new, I end up mad and going back to buy the BSH.

Big Sexy Hair Spray & Play (and occasionally the Spray & Play Harder). I’ve tried so many hair sprays over the years…

I know. It’s like her heart’s in the right place, but someone really needs to lock her out of her twitter account.

That’s a great idea for Myleeza (BTW, Myleeza Mingo is an awesome name), but if I were one of the Kardash*, I wouldn’t do it. Super fan-turned-employee immediately makes me think of Selena and Yolanda Saldivar.

...is this really that weird/depressing to the parents out there?

This is also why (theoretically) pirates wore eye patches: keep one eye covered in daylight so you can see up on deck, and then switch the eye patch to the other eye when you go below deck, where you will be able to see instantly because your previously-covered eye has already adjusted to the darkness.

Long story short, she flicked a cigarette at me and gave me a look like she was daring me to tell someone.

I’ve always been who I am; I’ve just shared more over the years. I know that makes me unlikable to some people, but I’m not here to make friends.