Good evening David,

Sadly half of those “American” things are made elsewhere. Only the baseball and the truck are American made products. Coors doesn’t count since it’s the canoe of beers. close to water.

Okay, listen, does ANYONE, ANYWHERE in the world know what they are doing? I don’t think so! Where are all the adults? WHERE ARE THE ADULTS???

This is the stuff you do when you know you’re at the tail end of your life, and you have nothing to lose. So if you’re gonna go, why not go out with a bang, leaving all the living humans to wag their fingers at each other and go “see SEE she did it at X age, what’s your excuse?”

I know this is sarcasm, but it’s worth mentioning that they didn’t even find a few joints. They found fucking nothing.

I’m sure the handful of joints they imagined potentially confiscating during this illegal and inappropriate raid totally made traumatizing 900 kids worthwhile, right everyone?

“Only attacks dogs who...?” How many dogs has her vigilante dog attacked? Did he have a little cape?

Nah. Inciting violence in general is perfectly legal. It has to be inciting “imminent” violence in order for it to be against the law.

The Germans have this one covered: Backpfeifengesicht.

I honestly have never hated anyone as much in my fucking life. Literally everything he does wants me to punch a hole in the wall. His hand motions, the way he condescendingly looks down like “calm” when reporters are asking question, he’s muffin top build...everything about that man is punchable.

“MSN reports that Botha fired his rifle on the charging cows, but a fourth swept in and surprised him from the side.”

Sorry, darling, didn’t mean to offend! Oi back at you (that sounds so Brazilian)!

Listen, this is ridiculous. Pence will be a test of endurance but he is not:

I live 6 hours ahead of Washington. Literally every morning my first thought is “What did that moron do while I was sleeping?”

I hate it when people do awful things and then distance themselves by saying “That wasn’t me! That’s not who I am!”

Fuck right off with that garbage.

i thought Trump was the Russian listening device.

Here you go. It’s really adorable.

Any man who speaks about abortion should have to provide at least 5 referral letters from real women who he has spent more than 20 minutes with and at least one romantic partner. Also they need to be able to point out he essential parts of lady anatomy otherwise SHUT UP

I sing to myself when I’m doing something dangerous, just to ease the tension... “standing on a ladder/feels kinda shaky/no one here to catch me/if I fall and neck goes breaky” or “cooking with no shirt on, cooking bacon topless, grease is flying everywhere, maybe I should stop this”