He went for the big card so that every recipient could feel what it’s like to have comically small hands, if only for a moment.

Suck it, poors - my investment in monocles is starting to pay off.

No deal, McCutcheon, that moon money is mine!

Wow. Just wow. Take a star.

Way to bury the lede - the Bulls have won six in a row?!? That’s basically the worst possible thing that the Bulls could do at this point.

The phrase “toxic cesspool” is a registered trademark of my client, the White House; you are to cease and desist all further use of it.

Had carnal knowledge with the Syracuse Orange; can verify.

Glad to see that Baghdad Bob found a job again.

To be fair, some of us Packer fans have moved to Chicago in order to get a job. But yes, you have it right.

Fuck you, Paul, I’m going to beat off tonight just to spite you.

Yeah, open corruption and cronyism doesn’t matter anymore. See Trump, Donald.

Thanks . . . but truthfully, except for a few years during the 1940s, we were never really that cool.

I’m just going to leave this star here and back away slowly.

“That’s not a brothel, Roy. That’s a middle school.”

But think of the tax cuts. Won’t somebody PLEEEEEASE THINK OF THE TAX CUTS?

+1 dine and dash

I dunno- I found that to be a pretty good foundation for law school.

I think he played with Saggitariutt Jefferspin in the East/West College Bowl.

Alright, my fellow tired dads, show of hands - who’s else has jerked it to Lady Hatt?

Pretty sure Trump named Sir Topham Hatt as Ambassador to Sodor.