Know how much the Redskins suck? Because of that shitbag team, six times a year I end up cheering for the goddamn Cowboys, Giants, and Eagles.

OK, I want in on this relationship. No butt stuff, though.

In the end, it was all just a delightful misunderstanding . . . like a Hugh Grant RomCom, or the 2000 Presidential election . . .

We're Number 1!

Pretty sure she was bumped by someone posing as a Rio police officer.

*shakes head slowly*

We’ll go 6-6 with a trip to the Foster Farms bowl. Could be worse, and things will set up well for 2017. But the LSU game will be ugly - shades of the 1995 Colorado drubbing, I fear.

Man, Mark McGwire has really let himself go.

This year, like every year, I'll draft 9 Saints wide-outs on my fantasy team, and the one WR I didn't draft - some 5'8" shithead from Pascagoula State - will get all of Brees' throws. I hate this team.

If by "loaded up", you mean "tried a bunch of random PIN code combinations on his Tracfone", then yes, yes he did.

And yet someone will put him in their Draft Kings lineup and beat me like a rented mule . . .

If you want a picture of the Cowboys, imagine a boot stamping on Barry Switzer’s face - for ever

The Rotavirus from Ipanema

RAID? NAS? I don't know what either of you are talking about. Get the heck off my lawn!!

What a load of crap - 'Tennessee Titans' - like that's a real team. The XFL sucked, buddy!

The dipstick in my 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant shows that I have less than 10 gallons left. And I’ve got a few long weekends of fuckin’ coming up, with Labor Day and whatnot. Little help, Amazon?

The dipstick in my 55 gallon drum of personal lubricant shows that I have less than 10 gallons left. And I’ve got a…

Jebus. The show's "punchable face" quotient is actually going UP.

This kid isn’t an innovator - the booger sunglasses are actually the best-selling concession item at the Ballpark in Arlington.

In other news, the moment he hit the ground, Cub fans voted him in as a starting outfielder in the All Star Game.

You buried the lede here. $7 coffee in Salt Lake City?!? Those are 'max deal' prices. Boris can't afford that; hope his espresso machine didn't get damaged in the move.