My God, I am sorry. Do you have children? Do you have any money? You need to get tested for STD’s before the week is out, O.K.? Go to Planned Parenthood if your regular doctor cannot see you. Call your girlfriends! Men rarely leave relationships until they have started another one, which likely means he has been…

“Why are you 15 years old and horny? Horniniess is NOT included in the set of values that I had planned for you!”

I hope you do! Then I can share my harrowing tale of what happens when drunk Missouri rednecks try to deep fry a turkey! (There’s a squirrel, a small fire, crying, a breakup, and much much more).

Well pizza is at least “safer” than salad in that regard, unless I’m the only one who can’t properly manage roughly chopped lettuce and ends up having to pack flailing ends of it into her mouth with fork and fingers, like trying to stuff a sleeping bag back in its sack.

If you can eat the same amount of pizza as I can, I will marry you regardless of gender, TBH.

My dad used to joke when I had braces that all I needed in addition to those railroad tracks were glasses and then I would never find a husband.

“If you’d just BRUSH your hair more often it would look good!”

lol yeah women had a real hard time figuring out what handsome-ass Leonard Cohen did for a living

“Men find it very difficult at times to find pornography.”

The Southern Poverty Law Center considers any wedding party of over 8 people a hate group.

That’s not true at all. Nearly half of all American Muslims are Black and they are definitely not Republican.

I’ll cop to wanting to defending the straws... except, yes she was waaaaay over, but what a bullshit “policy”

What I love about this is that, somewhere, there’s a farmer who has a new revenue stream.

Our cat is about 22 pounds. He’s a beast. When he was a kitten the vet was laughing looking his paws and saying “you’re going to be a BIG boy”. He takes up a whole section of couch.

I had a Norwegian Forest cat who chipped a tooth jumping off my kitchen counter after eating an entire stick of butter. The vet thought the inertia from his big, fat ass probably drove his face into the ground.

I just adopted this kitten a couple hours ago and she is asleep on my shoulder right now, you guys.

Try being Polish and hyphenating, there is not a form on the planet where you’ll fit.

Twelve Asshats Running

New lyrics for “A Partridge in a Pear Tree”?