Ah... read that wrong.

I want to go to your wedding!

My first-aid kit has three Tic-Tacs and a bandaid... If they need my help, they're gonna die.

Goldfish are cheap, I say, "Let 'em die!" Which has nothing to do with my side goldfish business...

I'm not sure who came up with Ctrl Z, but I would suck a fart out of their ass.

As a Red Sox fan, I'm glad they're going after him.

I lost 75lbs with interval training using a recumbent bike at the gym. I started at 20 minutes and worked my way to an hour (slowly). I'd warm up, push myself for 3 minutes, slow down for 2, push 3, slow down 2... repeat until cool down. Eventually, I got to 5 minutes of pushing with a minute rest in between.

This is how you pack when you're young: roll it all up—wrinkles are no big deal. As you get older the whole I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-charm has completely worn off. I pack the same for two days as I do for two weeks: a backpack carry-on and a ginormous f'ing suitcase.

If you can afford to build a ship, you have already factored in the cost of the crew. The crew would be signing non-disclosure agreements, so you could walk around naked to your hearts content.

I can't blame Bieber for being a douchebag—he's a kid. A rich and very, very annoying kid. But where the fuck are his handlers? I saw something years ago when he wanted to buy something at the mall and his manager (or whatever) said no. They went back and forth for a while until the manager said, "If you mother says…

I do this for homemade Christmas gifts for friends and coworkers. "You can make vanilla extract?"

We had a real mouse problem. The big issue was, if we poisoned them, they'd die in the walls and stink up the joint as they decomposed—and then the ants would come.

As a gay man, I used to think, "Dodged that bullet." Now all my gay friends are getting married. Thankfully, no one has gone Gay Cliche Level 10—but I can't believe the money they're spending on some of these weddings.

I want to be invited to that wedding.

Whatever happened to the days when a "public proposal" was when a man proposed at a romantic restaurant? The weddings are big enough productions, how about finding a moment alone in beautiful setting and you have a sweet story afterwards.

Firefighters make my pants explode...

I'm not a good napper, either. I have to have it completely dark, so I have to throw a t-shirt over my eyes. Drifting off, the slightest noise pulls me out—however, once I'm out... I'm OUT. Mostly, I spend most of my "nap" thinking, how much longer do I have?

My mom was able to put her head on a pillow and be out in a…

I'm willing to pay for convenience.
TIRE CHANGING: I have AAA so, I don't need to worry about that—I can do it. I've done it. I have no desire to do it unless it's absolutely necessary.
OIL CHANGING: Seriously? It's $39 at the 9-Minute Oil Change by work. They guys are fun, they do good work, and I'm out in less than…

If I'm not supposed to daisy chain, then why do they make them that way?

They want to daisy chain... they want it bad... dirty, dirty ports.