Michael Harriot: Secretary of Education 

Gotta give props to dude for having the balls to call u up and open a dialogue. 

Interestingly, and perhaps correlated, the gene causing a predisposition to unnecessary drama and accommodation for self diagnosed medical issues is thriving.

You’re really not missing much, unless you’re really into mushy, slimy, salty foods. I don’t think this is a dish one comes to as an adult - if you didn’t grow up with some version, I bet you’ll wonder WTF the appeal is.

Its not delicious. 

I bet that Guinness guy in the picture has seen some shit.

‘Can poppy seeds do more than decorate bagels?’ Yes indeed they can. They can be bought from a supermarket with the intentions of being used in a couple of baking projects, only to be somehow dropped, the entire bag, in the living room, and so can live in your carpet for the next four years or so, sodding things....

Poppy seeds are often misused in the same way sesame seeds are on a hamburger buns. A light sprinkling on something followed by a low temp bake isn’t going to bring out the character of sesame or poppy seeds. A higher temp bake like what is required for pastry or something super hot like a grilled, sesame coated tuna…

Alexa, show me why people hate vegans.

“I’d love to, but I’d rather...

“Show up, but bring Mario Battali in a diaper along with you. Pretend you misunderstood the concept of ‘pampered chef’. You’ll never have this problem again.”

“I’m not a fan of weird pyramid scheme shit and can get everything I need off Amazon.”

I have a friend whose wife is from Serbia and that is basically how she got out of those parties.  She would pretty much say “in my country, that is not how we do parties” and she would leave it at that. 

Show up, but bring Mario Battali in a diaper along with you. Pretend you misunderstood the concept of ‘pampered chef’. You’ll never have this problem again. 

An easier way to get rid of her: Anytime she brings up a vacation spot, respond with “What’s the age of consent there?”

Lindsay should go to one of the parties and pick up a long-handled fork, which makes it easier when cooking hot ham water.

All MLM homesellers should meet in the world’s largest stadium and spend the day selling each other their different, crappy products, then when the day is over we drop the h-bomb and go home and celebrate.

I would reply ‘sorry, my disposable income goes for things like gin, weed and video games’.

So this some kind of chef-themed Amway BS? Just bring a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses pamphlets to the party and you never have to worry about receiving another invitation.

Something tells me that employees are just as happy as you are to avoid interaction.