“Needless to say, we know who won’t be playing the next James Bond: that crew guy right behind Elliott’s shoulder.”

And every time she thought she was finished, another Columbo would appear and say, “Just one more thing....”

If you tuck in your Hawaiian shirt you should be kicked out of anywhere you go.

Popovich will be the first to stick it up the NBA’s ass. He’ll force the league to cope with boxscores like:

Well, on the one hand, they did eliminate 4 in 5s and lower back-to-backs. On the other hand, this means we’ll never see the greatest DNP of all time again.

Cuss all you want in the body of the article, but for the love of God can you stop dropping F bombs in the title of articles, particularly for something that everyone wants to read like The Morning Shift? You are going to get banned by our IT people, and then I’m going to have to work,

Don’t forget, after getting drilled in the head with a Betances fastball, James McCann put one into the bleachers off the face of a Yankees’ fan.

I’m not talking about the car buying experience. I’m talking about the service experience. I could give a shit less about the car buying experience as long as I get a fair deal.

I like the look of this car, and I’m honestly kind of excited about it, which is weird to say about a Kia. I think they went the right direction with the name, too; it’s important to have a serious, sporty-sounding name if you want people to take your first proper sports car seriously. And I especially appreciate that…

Never let the facts get in the way of a joke. Seriously, have you EVER seen a priest, a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar? No! But you play along for the joke, which has a good chance of being super offensive.

Sounds like the ghost of DeLorean reads Jalopnik.

Weed you say? That’s adorable.

“The all-new Lincoln Motor Company. You got any weed? It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

Bruh, a pound of the good herb comes with every Mustang to slooooooooooooooow you dooooooown man. Hitting pedestrians? Naw man, I’m...fuck, still hitting pedestrians.

Ah, the old barren cow case conundrum. Hiram Walker (yes, that Hiram Walker) would argue it’s immoral. Teddy Sherwood would say “tough luck old friend.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sherwood_v._Walker

I hear Hunter Strickland might be available for the right price.

Exactly. Not only does he make drivers hate riders, he actually makes it harder for them to see riders coming up from behind them.

I can’t wait to see the asshole’s mugshot. Good work CHP. It’s jerks like this that make it tougher on all the other riders trying to be safe out there.

Interceptable passes is Fahey’s stat