You had so many good headline options, Samer.

+1 person taking this great joke seriously and being mad online.

Even the bad things?

Holy shit, Burke! I didn’t know your dad was OldBeigeGuy!

I think Curt Schilling should be in the hall, too—the hall of great big buttheads!

You’re just mad because imaginary Cousins averages a triple-double on the Celtics and the imaginary Wizards trade away John Wall and move to Butte, Montana and change their name to the Butte Bullboys and toxic waste spills on the imaginary Deadspin office and you and Petchesky body swap which is fun for a few days but…

Poker: a gambling card game in which players try to acquire cards with a face value as close as possible to 21 without going over.

I’m not the one throwing around racist slang words, buddy!

“What are you doing today to bring yourself closer to achieving your goals?”

“their three-year sentence feels light given the savagery of the act.”

I use a crossbow to brush my teeth—it doesn’t make me a bad person!

That’s the problem with the league these days—nobody is willing to accept the consequences of their actions! I miss the good ol’ days, when ‘sorry receiver’ actually meant something. Guys like Donte Stallworth, for example.

True, true. Also, they never lost a single game before 1961!

Don’t forget—when you talk about the Minnesota Vikings, you’re talking about a team that started 1-0 in the National Football League.

[pretends this post is from 2008] “No. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. No.”

Did you know they also started 3-0 this season? Unreal!

Finally! All the pieces fit!

Can’t believe a white guy lost his job after Trump won. This is exactly the type of thing he was supposed to prevent!!!!!1!1!11!!!!11!!11 KILLME

Oh, I did.

As a casino manager, I love when yahoos like these two don’t play by the book. Free money for me!