[2026, a high school auditorium full of bored kids]

“That’s nothin’, you shoulda seen the Jim Rice bobbleheads they made in ‘89, kid.” - Sully, probably.

I called the mayor’s office for further clarification. They said:

You know who else could have chosen to ignore those guys and continued quietly enjoying life the way a man would? Harambe. And he’s dead now, thanks to you.

What the fuck was Clifford Gordon supposed to do? HELP A CHILD? Who has time for that bullshit?!?!?!?!?!

SUB IS A HERO AND A GRINDER

First Harambe, now this.

Big pictures means BIG PICTURE.

Needs sunglasses.

Here’s a take: what kind of moron picks mid-June as the launch date for an hourlong “hot sprots taeks” television show? That’s like releasing a new video game console on February 1st.

They’re gonna need a pretty big boot.

* is the key on a keyboard that most resembles an asshole.

Yes.

A baseball field is the shape of a diamond.

You must swing the baseball bat with enough velocity to move the baseball ball into the field of play.

From what I hear, Coach David Blatt earned a micro-managing, control freak reputation in Cleveland. It started with little things, like limiting the minutes of players who broke his unofficial team curfew, and berating his guards for not running fast enough in scrimmages. But things really came to a head when he…

The court is made of a firm, wooden surface and the baskets are made of steel and nylon thread. It’s the NBA Finals which means these upcoming games are the last of the season.

The company I work for is pretty good about not using unnecessary acronyms and corporate lingo in emails. The weird thing is, whenever I’m in the lavatory at the same time as other people, it all comes out at once! “Flush, man!” “Use toilet paper,” “Wash your hands,” “This isn’t a break room,” “Are you eating a…

I’m sick and tired of high-paid, high-powered men in fancy clothes telling me what to do. “Don’t play football.” “Don’t drive over the speed limit.” “Grab a towel and wipe that mayonnaise off your body, and what the hell are you doing in my office? Is that....is that a five gallon jug labeled ‘horse urine?’ Get out of…

If they wanted to keep Drake out of the arena, maybe they shouldn’t have named the team the Toronto Rapstars, Tom. Because rap is the style of singing Drake is most known for, and he happens to be one of the biggest Rapstars in what young people refer to as, “the game.” It’s not Drake the Rapstar’s fault that you…