Why would an expression carry water?

Talk about burying the lede! Guy Fieri is DEAD? I know it’s in poor taste to celebrate someone’s demise, but after Justice Alliyah croaked the big one, Game On, I say.

It’s a finger of speech.

A little time passes and the NFL is carrying Walter for this schmo. Well just like the Wes Craven film, I Know What You Did Last Summer, we all know what Jameis did last summer. Don’t buy this redemption campaign at any price! Even if they’re selling it buy one get two free, don’t buy it, because then you’ll own three…

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Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Amelia E. I never knew what was going on behind those hazel nuts! I like the state of California quite a bit. I like the quality of light and the way that people refuse to walk anywhere, as is their birthright. I like that when I go into a fast casual restaurant in…

This apology is like olive oil—I’m not buying it because I don’t understand what first cold press means and also why does it cost so much and how can there be a difference between Italian and Greek olive oil if it is solely made from the extract of olives? And another thing, if you get olive oil on your shirt? You…

Stories like this one are the reason why I purchased a personal computer and modem which I use to connect to the information superhighway. My wife said I was a fool. “Ten thousand dollars a month?!” she said. But who is laughing now, Babs? I. I am the one who is laughing. For though you received our home and children…

By refusing, I am owning you in purpletooitty. Keep that in mind forever, please.

I’ll reply to this to ungrey it, but I’m not gonna star it, Sammy.

Fucking Chris Christie is so out of touch he doesn’t even know that cannoli cost $2.50 a piece.

Jared is a galleria of jewelry. Show some respect.

YOU SPLIT AGERRING WRONG, DUMMY

Logic would dedicate that it isn’t a typo, mon frair

That’s your onpinion.

Can you explain to me how to player poker?

This summer, I vacationed in Vermont and everywhere I went there were signs that said “Grade A Maple Syrup.” So one afternoon, I went into one of the stores and took a few samples. I honestly didn’t know where to begin! The A-F scale seems played out, and I didn’t want to be pretentious about it, like Pitchfork, and…

If getting dabbed on is the worst thing that happened to her, she’s lucky. Dude MURDERED a guy and threw the body off a bridge, and everybody pretends like it didn’t happen. Fucking Lance.

Hapccidents Appen as the saying goes.

Maxim is a magazine. Not a book. The difference is in the binding, you see.