"You truly are the king of kings."

"Vidal called it 'gorgeously junky'"

The plot summary sounds exactly like Gladiator, so I'll just stay home and watch that on Netflix instead.

A'a do declare it is.

Do you find contacts make you less susceptible to onion-crying?

Sad!

I remember a woman in Paris sawing away at a single note on a Chinese erhu for about 20 minutes.

Randy Quaid is all of us.

My wife, Elanor.

Also the cannons are made of solid gold. Classy!

Two things.

Ugh. Trump, Jr. looks like he cries after orgasm.

Dentist the Menace.

Depends. Do you have garlic and lemon?

The episode starring Mark Hamill will forever be burned into my psyche.

No they'll take it.

But one of the best parts of wearing contacts is being able to freak your friends out by putting your finger directly on your eyeball.

I, on the other hand, can't get enough of eye trauma!

You realize you have the opportunity to vote for offices other than the president, right?

I always suspected Satan was a libertarian.