Out of NOWHERE! I started that commercial a happily married to a man het woman, ended by chopping his head off and devouring yogurt with my new lady love.

That’s why I occasionally drive by and throw trash in the yard of the guy who works the night-shift at my corner gas station. “Fuck you, Roger! Why my gas and smokes still so spendy?”

If I didn’t know that Jim’s mother was alive, I would have assumed she was brutally murdered by a gang of tilapia.

Why is there something so hilarious to me about a drunken mother in law that uses words like “prurient”?

Yeah, reading these lists I was like, “god, I thought I’d been unlucky since I’ve been alone so much, but apparently I was really lucky instead, since I considered most of these just baseline human functionality those times I was with someone.”

Alternately, if your mom is sort of an asshole, quietly tolerates her while occasionally dropping in dry-humored bon mots, then giving you a discreet knowing smirk.

I love how the pizza bedding is dsiplayed in a spotless, modern-furnishings bedroom. Because I think the Venn diagram of “people who buy this bedding” and “people who have that furniture” is two circles about 500 light-years apart.

My little sister was so sick of being shit on at this pizza place- she was stuck doing deliveries one night. So she ended up just saying fuck it... Left with a shit ton of pizzas.. went to a party. Never went back. Don’t think she bothered to collect her last check either. They were terrible

Maybe she is allergic to red.

"One time when I was outside of a Cheesecake Factory smoking a cigarette a man propositioned me thinking I was a hooker."

I was a serial killer long before I was being mistaken for a hooker.

If you can't be in a giant store with a dog in it because of allergies, I hate to break it to you, but you're not gonna make it.

So you had a residential burglary and they did DNA testing and got back to you in 6 months? Who are you, the Presidents daughter?

1. Anna, I super sorry that happened to you. I was robbed once and it was unbelievably creepy and scary, so lots of sympathy.

It is only maternal love that stops you from dropping your toddler off in a basket on a neighbor's doorstep when they bite you in the ass. Well, that, and they wouldn't stay in a basket for three seconds.

I wish I could be mad at Stacy Dash but I literally could not follow what she was saying. Alcohol and bad girls and the other bad girls (women) and guns and don't kill people. WHAT?

i mean t say its too blleeeee gross, this video made me very uncomfortable

Oh my God, you sound like ten of my most annoying customers ever, all rolled into one.

I don't really feel any sense of outrage when it comes to alcohol markups. Yes, the physical product is heavily marked up. But the restaurant also has to pay for initial an ongoing training for wine/cocktail programs and pay to absorb liability costs. Plus, you know, all of the other costs associated with running a…

I totally understand that, and if its important you should make sure to document it! End-of-life instructions are so important! /psa But for me when you're dead you're dead and you don't care any more (I realize others believe differently). Funerals are for the people left behind, and from what I've heard losing a…