I was once a DJ. On my way to working an event in Westchester, I got really sick while driving. I have a really bad stomach and of course I was drinking a huge coffee and smoking, which made things worse. My assistant was sitting in the passenger side, watching me turn white, sweating and almost crying. If I could…

One time a guy I was seeing confessed to me in one fell swoop (through g-chat!) that he had a girlfriend, she was pregnant, they were getting married and oh... they also had chlamydia. And it was likely that I, too, had chlamydia.

I used to be a TA, and I had just finished grading a huge stack of final papers for my class. I piled them neatly on the floor next to my backpack for the next day. When I woke up, my dog had, of every god damned place in the whole house, taken a huge, juicy shit right on top of the stack of papers. The shit was so…

A whole other meaning for "ass to ass".

I somehow have to get this declared the official GIF of the Texas State Fair.

This is the best thing I've seen all day.

Incredible.

That's your winner? Pffft...

It's totally freeing to delete them off social media and know they can't see you. Torture ended.

Also, horseradish doesn't get its own special mention, it just gets lumped in with "all manner of root vegetables"? Our seders look like bachelorette parties every year.

I couldn't decide which of those two photos to use! But then I guess we both should have gone with Mr. Bachman for the win...

These peppers?

EWWWWWWWW now I'm never going to be able to look at a dick again because it will remind me too much of these giant flesh-eating worms from outer space.

Um, Corndog???

40. Crullers

DID SOMEONE SAY DICKS????

in the immortal words of Ann Perkins...

How is geoduck only at 18? That is one of the dickiest animals to ever dick the earth.

I was in high school sports and the military. I've seen a more than fair share of gay and straight porn. I've seen dicks from around the world.

Bananas rule.