You are not alone. It hurts to be pestered for too long. And I have an outie so it's prone to unwanted interaction. Other places that turn red and get irritated: my wrists. But that's because I have a life-long suicide phobia and since childhood associated it with wrist cutting because movies. I can't stand to have…

I promise that we will always have our own checking accounts.

My mother-in-law did this amazing thing where she read the famous passage from 1st Corinthians at our wedding ("Love is patient, love is kind, etc) and then tore it down. "Love is NOT patient. Love is jealous and petty and hates the way you chew." It was fantastic.

"We promise to do our best."

My vows started out this way: "You cannot possess me for I belong to myself. But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give." I think that's pretty realistic - while we both wish it. And they ended with, "This is the marriage of equals," and we both said the vows at the same time.

Marriage is a scam perpetrated by one or both parties on the other.

I promise not to write an excel spreadsheet of all the times you didn't give me the sexin' I want and send it to your work email.

This summer was total crap for me. So much so that I have revised my previous goals for fall 2014 to the following three items;

It hasn't been the best summer, but on a personal level it's been the most humbling. With all the bad shit that's happened in the last couple of months, it's forced me to shut out all the noise and kind of deal with my own shit for a bit.

But there were eras where most things, to some people, probably seemed okay. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and other social media are great ways to spread joy and pictures of your cool fourth of July nail art, but they're also incredibly efficient in letting people know what is bad where you are.

Being underwater adds 10 pounds. Everyone knows that. They were just trying to even it out.

I knew a guy that saw a prostitute in Amsterdam twice. The first time they had regular intercourse, the second time he asked her to do something weird to him. She lit his pubes on fire and called it a "Flaming Christmas Tree."

You should try confuzi sometime.

The last one in the UK is called 'munting'. I know because someone told me and i wish to god they did not. I don't think it is a real thing. It is the sort of thing drunk people make up for jokes. Sad lonely people.

Seriously though, nothing is grosser than rosebudding. NOTHING!

I knew I was going to regret clicking, and yet did so anyway.

I don't know why, but some of it made me giggle. Mark This is better then rosebud.

A man walks into a talent agent's office saying he has a great family act.