Oh, Andy Richter, scrubbing poop on a rug is not going to work out very well for you.

Are you the parking-ticket geek? (In case you aren't, and don't know what I'm talking about, there is a person with that moniker!)

Oak Park, where you can't park overnight on the public streets!

Bridgeport is a notorious dibs neighborhood. Many other 'hood don't really do it. Unless you're fucking old or a dick.

Isn't it really a second for every 10mph in fair weather?

Have you been to Indiana?

You know where you have to do this? Korean restaurants. I have asked "does this dish have animal products?" and get told no and then specifically ask "does it have pork in it?" and hear "yes."

Just go buy some shoulder pads in the interim. And blush.

I thought he was hanging out with that girl everyone says gets carried around all the time. The one who never opens her mouth when she sings? I forget her real name but we just call her Sexy Baby.

I believe this so thoroughly that when I used to order smoothies at Jamba Juice (or Robek's, somewhere) that I'd overemphasize the correct pronunciation when asking them to leave it the fuck out, please.

I didn't even catch that. Damn.

Hey! I did this same thing for the same reason. It was less bad this time.

There are big-time drugs to make milk happen initially, which she might need. But fenugreek is a great herbal booster. She'll need to take so much of it that she'll smell like pancakes all the time (seriously) but I don't see a downside.

I ate my placenta in capsule form. NBD.

Tell their online anagramming tool that sherbert isn't a word. BECAUSE IT IS NOT.

That's a pretty good descriptor for California that I use a variant of: Bay Area and Los Angeles, separated by Texas.

Oprah did Optifast, I think, to lose the weight. But probably also there was some soup in there.

I also had a kid this year. He is decidedly ungarbage. He's pure delight. I hope your kiddo is s similarly bitchin'.

Oh, is he Dick Ebersol's kid?

I had to go try on wedding dresses at a David's Bridal and the girl before me was saturated with perfume. (I smelled her from across the room.) Not only did the sales associate have to air out the dresses she tried on, she also had to air out the dressing room.

Hire these people for Senior Dongs Correspondents: