Okay, spoiler alert for those who do not know the Anderson story:

I am so angry I didn't come up with this and am pushing it to the top so everyone can see it.

The Salman Rushdie story slayed me. Still laughing. Imams declaring fatwas! Angry bussers with dishtowels! His list of anxieties keeps growing.

Fixed it for ya.

I’d fight to get on that cat’s jury so I can find her not guilty.

I would have thought Colonel Sanders would be a breast man.

Omg jimmy jr.

So fake. That cat is clearly pushing the back of Asian Mike’s head with his tail. Please.

What, you think that using the correct “young adults” term would generate the same type of outrage?

No, no. Abortion cookies for some, miniature American flags for others. =)

How many Girl Scout Cookies does one need to eat to be turned gay? Because, I mean, I would think if it’s a real effect it would have happened to me by now.

“There I was, enjoying a light repast at the Applebuddies club, engaging in a fine and stimulating discussion of Amanda McKittrick Ros’s brilliant use of simile and metaphor, when suddenly what should assault my ears but some jenny foreigner defiling the rarefied air of our great nation with her native tongue! Well I…

“And in the Year of Our Lord 2015, there is nothing that gets the dick blood of a conservative voter flowing more than a man who has no idea what he’s doing.”

Since we’re talking about Chick-Fil-A, the appropriate thing to say is that evangelicals are having a cow.

My life is over for the next two months.

I wish actual rent got that low.

Republicans can’t handle tough questions, and two hours is too long?

“Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.”

Sicilian’s don’t get into trees and they sure as hell don’t drive when it’s flooding. They do send their husband out to get milk when it’s flooding.

“P.S. Fuck you”