I used to do a similar thing in the office; I would always take the corners short and bounce off. And I’ve done that car door thing (also banged head on door frame). But the butterknife? Bwahaha.

And up stairs.

This is why I wanted to die young, so I wouldn’t live to see crap like this.

my husband texted me a screenshot of this from groupon before i saw it blow up on the internet. A+++++ husband

I’ll be honest. I kind of wish my husband had done this instead of venturing down to the forbidden zone during delivery. I really don’t understand how he still wants to have sex with me.

I was three credits away from a Master’s in Early Childhood Ed, and made $9.36/hour with good benefits. We don't make much and know you can't pay a whole lot more, so a thank you goes a long way.

I’m more offended for her in that her husband stated she is as beautiful as a newborn. Do not compare mothers to shell-less turtle, alienoids.

Insurance. Insuring a childcare business is horrifically expensive. Plus permits, inspections, etc. Labor cost is the least of it.

When this scenario is going down, is she pretending to be Beyoncé? Because coasting on a 4-year-old single doesn't make somebody a superstar.

If you take out tall Martha Stewart could be describing me.

It’s really very simple.

May I go out on a presumption with the clues I get from my friends who are parents?

I didn’t think anyone outside of Philadelphia would know what i meant if I said SEPTA though, grumpypants.

It’s Headley!

I’ve had this conversation with myself a few times.

I’ll bite. The Holly Jameson story reads like bad fan fiction, or tales of bravado from 9-year olds. Maybe my heart is jaundiced, or maybe Jimmy Kimmel has ruined the Internet, but I’m calling a big, emphatic “fake” on that story.

Stop trying to make repealing Obamacare happen. It's not going to happen.

Give him a break, okay? The guys at Stormfront chased him off after he kept pestering them with “wanna be BFFs??” requests.

Fans don't support the NFL. Nobody fucking likes the NFL, as an organization. Nobody likes Roger Goodell. What people like is football.

I don't really care about football, but I also don't really care about women. Is there some way I can use these two facts to make myself feel morally superior to everyone else without really accomplishing anything?