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Shout out to the “woman battering human landfill” description of Floyd Mayweather.

“Liquid John Mayer is the best”

Any reason to see more Wyatt Cenac, I love that guy.

When my sister was in college, Bill Clinton came to her school to give a speech and she got to meet him, and I begged her to have him call me and leave on my voicemail, “I did not have sexual relations with that women, Monica Lewinsky.”

Not me. If they are the ones to do it, then fine with me. I’m going to send a little money, and then make a chalk pentagram in my driveway. Then I will hop around it like a devil-worshipping game of hopscotch.

Nothing wrong with Colin not dating. Someone’s entire life doesn’t have to have the pressures of high school.

Plus Satan keeps his word. You win that fiddle, you get that fiddle.

I fistbumped along with her, and screamed out (to my cats) “That’s my girl!”

and now we know only about half the media have a sense of humor

Their scandalized reaction to Cecily Strong when described the Secret Service as “the only law enforcement organization in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot.” & when she said “Your hair is so white now, it can talk back to police” was EVERYTHING

I discovered something truly beautiful while I was searching for the above gifs :

sorry creep.

“Sliwa added that he also believes the feeling is mutual: “I had an attraction to her, and I have felt some sexual tension when I have been in her presence,”

“which sounds like something a racist five-year-old would write during a meditative break from lying facedown in the toilet merrily blowing bubbles in his own poop water”

Why is Adam Sandler.

If it makes you feel better, think of all the real rape out there that doesn't make the news.

Take, drink this, for this is my blood which is given to you. Do this in defiance of thirst.