Ask your doctor about whether this medication is right for you. If your doctor says no threaten the with bodily harm or the kidnapping of one of the doctor’s children. Do not take no for an answer from your doctor. Become a doctor yourself and cut out the middleman. Now buckle up because we’ve got 29 minutes of…

“What do you think about my motivational gimmicks, Clyde Frog?”

Microphone check.

In a classic case of projection, Issa then exclaimed “He’s trying to carjack the election for Clinton!”

To be fair, they’re only 15-20 starters away from turning this thing around.

That’s quite the anti-Kinja screed

Man I wish my work week ended this quickly.

More like one so far to the right it’s nearly backwards and one just to the right of the center. Can’t move those goalposts!

In similarly exciting sports news (17-10? WOW) the International Contract Bridge association specifically denies any political connection with the phrase “No Trump”

It reminds me of Bob Newhart’s roast of Don Rickles: “Don’s new sitcom, A Couple of Dons, received a negative two Nielsen rating. Not only did nobody watch it but several people who didn’t own TV sets said that if they got one, they wouldn’t watch it either.”

Maybe the gameplay is hideous and the relevance artificially propped up by fantasy degenerates, but a brisk discussion of rule something point something point something subsection (zz) is just the tonic to perk national interest in the NFL right back up again

Hopefully global temperatures will now start lowering and vast swaths of overfished bodies of water will return to equilibrium.

If only they had affordable housing to go back to.

Here’s the semi-comedic version from days of yore, if only for Buster Keaton’s pained “Pass”

I say throw Dabney Coleman in there, he’s of the same age and I used to get them confused as a kid.

It sounds like a comedy Sunset Boulevard. Now, if she could only play sad game of bridge with Vicki Lawrence, Tim Conway, and Lyle Waggoner...

“Why do you keep foolishly running for President when it’s clear nobody likes you, Ted?”

Better a knucklehead than a head that looks like somebody made a Mr. Haney from Green Acres model out of ice cream and then left it out in the sun.

It goes to my campaign for the upper Midwest: Stop Schnapps.

Many Cubs ‘fans’ in my neck of the woods are people who don’t know baseball at all but grew up in the 80s with WGN and Harry Carey drunkenly bellowing Take Me Out to the Ball Game. We also had to put up with Braves/TBS/tomahawk fans and the even more pervasive “guess we should revert to supporting the Cowboys now that…