It’s such a low angle that it could have only been shot in Vontaze-Vision!

Joey Batshit

After thorough review, the NFL has determined that there was nothing sexually suggestive about the hits.

(runs into reporter right at the exit) (falls backwards on his ass) (re-enters concussion protocol)

Radio Ad: Katie Nolan! Garbage Time! Watch it on FS1!

It’s like an earthworm made of shit being cut in half and developing into two earthworms made of shit

Yes, but could they mostly die out by 2020? Thinking specifically of my 73-year-old Uncle Merle.

If Tebow is plucked from left field at Stanktown County Municipal Park by a seraph who deposits him in a heaven-bound chariot of fire, THEN will you believe in him?

I won’t believe it until he denies him twice more before the cock crows.

One of the great counterfactual Onion/Dumb Century headlines was about a lightning-quick 7-hour baseball game. The 1909 World Series (featuring Ty Cobb v. Honus Wagner) averaged about 1 hr 58 minutes. Then came radio and the need to sell camphor oil between innings.

These headlines need to go through the concussion protocol.

What the fuck happened to the first four Maroons, America wants to know.

Forgive my ignorance of The Apprentice, I know the program existed for blacksmiths and coopers, but was there one for failed real estate magnates with delusions about holding elected office?

“Would you like to like to be in a meme? WOULD YOU?!”

He’s the Ben Carson of baseball, mostly somnambulistic (not a word) and occasionally snapping awake to say something terrible or do something counterproductive. 

Right now the 538 model has the Democrats’ chances of taking the Senate (gaining 4 or more seats) at 61%, or, to put it another way, there’s as much chance they gain 9 seats as that the status quo is maintained.

It’s all relative; I think of Gentle Ben being animated as emitting a weak cough. Plus I like to construct these scenes in my head rather than prop up the moribund cable news talking dipshit business model.

They should put up a memorial statue of pitching phenoms’ elbow ligaments outside of Wrigley to commemorate his reign of terror

To be fair she was rather noisy and he was trying to catch some shut-eye between questions.

P.S. Where’s the Gizmodo story on the malfunctioning headline-writing software that turns every adjective one types into “insane”?