I prefer her owl article.

That Brother Justin gif got me so hyped for the show. I was never so mad about the end of a show.

Fancy.

So many brilliant things; so many inane things. The possums article ruined me. I quote it regularly. I feel like it was in a back drawer somewhere and Ortberg thought, no, too weird, but once she announced the demise of the Toast figured, it’s here or nowhere.

So this one time our house flooded and the plumber’s bill was like $3000 dollars, so my mom charged it. A while later the plumbing company calls and says my mom’s card got declined which is weird because she has a VERY HIGH limit and the card is completely paid off. Anyway, turns out that the credit card company was…

I would use the bus for an epic rolling party/orgy then drive it into the ocean at the end of the night and tell my insurance company it got stolen. You’re in Ibiza, live like it.

I work in accounting for high-net-worth individuals, and we once returned to work Monday morning to a voicemail from a client that said, plaintively, “I’m looking at my statement, and it looks like I bought a plane? Why would I buy a plane? I don’t think I bought a plane... Please call me back.”

(Spoiler: Said client…

My 20 something self would totally dig this guy also. I just want to know what was in his pockets that morning. Why don’t you have answers to this actually? Do your job, Ellie!

Hildabeast Clinton and the Vagenda of Manocide is probably my least favourite JK Rowling book.

I call bullshit because if he was drunk enough to buy a bus he would have been drunk enough to have lost his phone.

as well as the fact that most everyone’s white.

You should have read more of The Toast. It was good.

sweet neg.

Oh gosh, sorry, I hope it didn’t come across like ‘The Toast did it first, you HACKS!’, I just thought people might like to read The Toast one as well because I enjoy Mallory Ortberg a lot.

God damn it. First Lady Ghostbusters and now Lady Ghosts? STOP RUINING MY CHILDHOOD!

Before I had daughters — Stimothy and Atalanta are truly the apples of my eye — I would follow women into voting booths and knock their hands away from the lever whenever they tried to engage in the democratic process. Who knew having daughters would change all that? Not I.

I’ll fight anyone who says this is a joke. This the realest fucking real to ever real. Especially the part about the rotisserie chicken. It’s the details, people!

Who the hell would ever use Miracle Whip and have any sort of ability to taste?

Miracle Whip is made from Donald Trump’s fermented semen.