Any time I think back to my teen years I feel the strong urge to call my parents and apologize.

You’re a better person than me. I hate teens. I just dress like one.

She’s right, though. I sprung fully-grown from my father’s forehead at about age 25. #Athena

Ah, if only she knew how much 17 (depressingly) feels like yesterday.

Heyyyyyyv . . . ok yes I deserved that.

Katherine Hepburn was the best. She rocked the hell out of her trousers.

the principal, Patrick Taylor, told the honors student that if she were to show up in clothing meant only for men (always and forever)

Just you recapping that story made me literally ill. People are fucking awful.

It’s hard to cope with these radical new ideas.

If I met Octavia Spencer, I would be disappointed if she didn’t roll her eyes.

People have bad days. Octavia Spencer is still a queen.

It sounds delicious, if I knew what any of the ingredients actually were.

Better the bitch than the eye candy.

I was told that my attire was “too corporate” and that I should try to “soften” my look up. My normal attire is button down shirts and slacks, just like the other (male) employees. I asked what the clothing allowance was so that I could replace my presumably offensive wardrobe on the company’s dime.

The point of oral sex in hetero pairings, as far as I'm concerned, is to fully prep the genitals for vaginal sex. Dudes can get hard by all manner of things that don't involve my getting cricks in my neck. Blowjobs are a bonus for when I'm feeling generous.

I don't know why anyone would be obligated to do anything in the bedroom. Penises of the world, no one owes you a blow job, no matter how swell you think you are.

Now I want to try cake mascara!

It looks like she's applying mascara from a cake. My mom had one of those little brushes.