MOM: [gathers kids around kitchen table] I'm sorry, guys. The last thing I ever want to do is embarrass you or make you look silly. You know that, right?

It's only a secret marriage if someone outside of your family actually cared. No offense to her, but she isn't exactly famous anymore. If Jennifer Aniston got married without the public knowing THAT would be a secret wedding. Now I have to go google Lacey Chabert because I know her from somewhere, but I'm not sure…

I have no idea who Lacey Chabert, Kaley Cuoco, and Ali Fedotowsky are, and I feel quite smug about it.

But most dont have a 'fit' wife.

Everyone mocked me when I said them going 45 was absurd!

The problem with doing shit like this is you are the one that looks nuts. I feel bad for her though—she sank 10 years in apparently to this loser.

Not to sound like a grammar elitist, but it's not too hard to figure out how this girl got duped.

Alternate headlines time!

Yup. There should be a revised version of the song that teaches us how the fuck we can forget our old acquaintances when we are constantly assaulted by #blessed status updates and pictures of children doing boring things.

Um, what's with the Kate Bosworth hate, again?

Yeah, it's really one of the "low points" of an otherwise thoughtful and inspirational blog. Jezebel especially likes to go after women with known mental illness issues, which is especially "brave" of them.

I'm almost more disgusted by the fact he found five women willing to have kids with him than by the fact he keeps breeding and giving 'em Nazi names. What the fuck are those women thinking?

I was never big on it. Either I'd wake up the next morning like "WHO IS THIS DISGUSTING BEAST NEXT TO ME" or I'd get banged by some hot dude and be all obsessed with him. There was never a happy medium.

Casual sex confuses me, mostly because I'm not sure how I would decrease my chances of being robbed or murdered...

Kim K has ruined her face. She will never get it back. It's actually making me sad.

Dear All: I want to refuse to buy cookies from coworkers who just bring in their girls' order sheets. Bring me a real Girl Scout or GTFO. Is that okay?

Am I the only one annoyed that, of all stores she could go to... supporting Wal Mart? really? I could just be annoyed because any mention of Wal Mart makes me want to slap someone. But were there no local music stores that would carry her CD? I mean really.

I guess Beyonce is A-Ok though with Walmart's absolutely shitty record of how they treat their employees. As long as they sell her CD who cares?

I'm loling at all the "conservative" people in my Facebook feed and how angry they are that this guy is getting fired for saying what he believes in, but he's employed by a private company under their rules so tough titties for him, both parties will be fine. I just find it funny that the people who believe most in…

"create education better"