@draven301: And our family cow stopped producing milk.

Is it weird that I hit exactly the male average of sexual partners as an iPhone user? I'm going to hide under my bed now.

I once saw Jesse Jackson at the Merchandise Mart in Chicago out of the corner of my eye. My immediate reaction was to put my hand up and say,"Hello, Mr. Jackson." And as I did this my brain acted quickly and told the rest of my body, "Jesus, fuck are you doing? You HATE Jesse Jackson."

@Blaise Astra Parker: I might have to start using that one.

It's an illuuuuuuuuusion!

@Ellomdian: Slag off, hooker mouth.

Thank you for allowing urine to dribble down my pant leg and onto the carpet of my office.

Report: Jean Claude Van Damme traded to Phoenix Suns for Tiger Woods, John McCain and half-eaten box of orange Tic-Tacs.

@Pheermee: And for every other news outlet that decides to run an entertainment, celebrity rumors feature does that make them any less viable as a source. It appears that people have taken this issue way too seriously. It's a god damn blog that happens to report/review/editorialize on happenings in the video game…

I wouldn't dare get between that relationship.

@TheGreenMiles: I've seen about 8 fights break out at the Cell in my lifetime and believe me, this response time is not just normal but almost "good" by their standards.

Bull. Fucking. Shit. I've had two. Count them, two of these surgeries and I managed to have some of the best sex of my life. Laying on my back. Doing nothing other than blowing a hot blob of my Sunday special into my ex-girlfriend babymaker. Spoiled athletes. Pshhh.

@Can I Borrow a Feeling: Sweet mother of God ...

Turn that obese frown upside down

@RBS: No, no. The piss comes from the horizontal leg hole, not the vertical. You just scale back the cloth on the thigh and aim the penis away from the knee touching the ground. Trust me, I'm a professional urinator. I know what I'm doing.

A cup full of anti-freeze looks the same as a cup of the Chicago River. Although I can't be certain, I'm sure the side effects from ingestion would be the same. #chicagobears

The odd thing is that this is one of my favorite co-op games from the NES days so I find this to be a wonderful idea regardless of the games obscurity.

When the Pacino's Miami Sharks come to town to play the Atlanta Butterscotch all hell's about to break loose.

@Business_Socks: I'm a Chinese American and I find this thread ... hilarious. +100

We finally have a woman willing to demonstrate proper hygienics and sexual education to our nations youth and she gets carted away. Truly nothing has changed in Obama's nation.