I should be able to give you two stars.

Starburst Minis™ have that same effect on me.

Did you guys hear? Hillary is gonna crush Tr*mp.

[Communists who don’t understand the reference fume]

#hesatrueyankeebecausehesontheroster

I say good for Shefter. He always gives 110%.

Yeah, but on the upside, you get to hang out with Franco all the time. So there’s that.

Wait, wait, wait— LeBron gunning down members of Congress?

Thank you, Brian. I’m sorry you experienced such terrible loss.

Philly fans are the just the lowest form of sports fan: they boo their own team even in the playoffs; they throw beer and get pissy like whiney little bitches when they lose. You listen to sports radio in that town (though, why the fuck would anyone listen to any sports radio?) and callers sound like fans of other…

Great story.

I’m in LA now, but I’m sure he still is, in Pittsburgh. A number of my friends have told me about their interactions with the guy and they’re all pretty great. I can only assume he was like that with everyone.

Being originally from Pittsburgh, I was privy to plenty of stories of Bruno’s kindness. Always had time for people, always with a smile.

Horseshit. He keeps saying, “I don’t know if I had anything to do with the outcome of the election. I hope not.”

Mic drop.

I, personally, make kick ass waffles (and, yes, separate the yolks and whites) and you don’t have to make the batter the night before.

Well, that’s just crepe! Maybe the school district would have been better with him taking them to breakfast, and insisted they go Dutch, baby.

Gunga gulunga.

Yeah, no, parents are stupid. (That’s the short version.) The (only slightly) longer version is, look, your kid has an unfortunate condition and you’re just looking out for her/him. I get it. However, said unfortunate condition has been around for a long time. Only now are we talking about this? Teach your kid that…

At no point in those sixty seconds do they mention the United States, America or any variation thereof. It’s clearly a “Worship the Terra-cotta Leader” message.