I'm having a whale of a time with you - you're really singing my tuna lot! (I'll play the bass.) I hate to sound crabby here, but I have to wave goodbye because eel pass out if I don't go to sleep...

That's enough, Roseanne.

I consider myself schooled, and you're dolphinitely a kipper in my book, then! I myself have a horrible halibut for punning too, so we can never be a (sea) anemones.

Consistently my reaction to anything Roseanne Barr says:

Is this really the plaice for puns? Wait, let me think of a batter one... wordplay is in my sole, you sea.

Not trying to be koi, but he's totally krilling it!

Salman Rushdie bringin' the LOLs today!

Is there a Whole Foods around here? WHAT? I've been shopping at this shitty local place. They only have twice washed organic kale. UGH LIVING LIKE PEASANTS UGH

I just want to give her a hug.

Take it away, guy who should really go by "Dick:"

Okay Perry completely (maybe intentionally) misses the point about legal abortion.

Shhhh, Beck. Shhh shh sh.

Look, I was a huge NKOTB fan as a preteen, but if you'd told me Joey McIntyre slugged his grandma in the stomach, I would not have defended him. C'mon now!

"Lantus? Are you sure doc? It's not what Paula Deen recommends ... Yes, I know, you've been to medical school and all. But her recipe for chocolate-covered, deep-fried butter sticks was a huge hit at my company pot luck."

Yeah, my ex was a type 2 diabetic (genetics are a fuck of a thing), and he was on Lantus because his doctor recommended it, not because of celebrity endorsement.

Lindy, did you get hazard pay for this?

"The two were en route to a club when Lloyd began texting people Hernandez didn't like, which is always worth shooting someone over. Workers in the park heard gunshots at about half past 3 AM."

The Onion has this covered

I'm surprised that not a lot of people on this thread seem to like Amy Schumer. What I find most compelling about her comedy is that a lot of it is really self-depricating. Someone called it the "evil narcissist" female character, and there may be splashes of it from time to time, but I don't get that from the…