yeah but yo hear me out (b/c I have to sleep at night too):

I just read a quote from Maya Rudolph saying, “When we padded our stomachs for the ‘Mom Jeans’ ad, we all thought it looked hilarious. And now that’s how we all really look.”

I have a “bikini body.” Because I have a body, and I put a bikini on it, full stop.

Being a huge fan of the Cowboys myself I got the EXACT same tattoo. Been wondering why cars have been driving by shooting up my house. Now it all makes sense.

“If you gave Jerry Falwell an enema, he could be buried in a matchbox.”

Don't mess with hangry people.

I’m pro-choice and anti-capital punishment. I’d love to see this as well.

With Christianity (which is what this husband and wife believed), there is no karma, nor does the Bible promise happiness and prosperity in this life (much the opposite, actually). The Bible’s promises are related to the next life.

Alternatively, come up with a device for men who feel vulnerable in their ability not to sexually assault someone. Worn on the belt for easy access, with a quick press of a button it would send sharp barbs or an electric jolt to the testicles, along with a GPS alert to the location, just in case he couldn’t help…

“Not only am I the president, I’m also a client!”

Muslim Republicans

How the hell is looking like you ex’s new woman sticking it to him? This is country fucking music, you show up on the red carpet with one of Shelton’s relatives as a date, or maybe his sworn enemy.

I’m 100% with you but I just want to add something.

Child victims of sexual molestation or rape may not appear to object, because they do not understand what is happening to them, and just go along with whatever the adult wants. That's not consent, that's waiting for things to be over.

It implies that the officer has made and vocalized a judgement.

is your wife’s bff Brandy Clark? Because I worship her.

So the REAL trick is to case the neighborhood for all of those full bags stashed in the bushes.

...rather extensive early voting has been a thing in most states for quite some time.