I pulled the fire alarm for my entire building. Being wasted, I thought of it as more of some grand gesture/celebration akin to opening a bottle of champagne. Later I went down the street and used a giant candy cane that I'd found abandoned on the sidewalk to swipe empty beer mugs off of patio tables.

I just pray it's better than The Master, a two hour snooze-a-thon that was akin to drinking wine only to find later it's non-alcoholic.

Finally we know what heaven will look like.

She should just call her album Divorcee, leave the throes of humanity speculating about her marriage well past the year 2350.

I read this as "Jimmy Fallon's Lip Syncing Butt Gets Its Own Show".

Fear of gluten

Queen Latifah is one of the most underrated "personalities" (persons? peoples? queens?) of our time.

I volunteer for a rescue and just the other week some woman wanted to surrender her two cats, one of whom is 16 years old, because she was getting married and her fiance "isn't a cat person".

I don't really have anything against her, but I just watched her special on the weekend and all I can think is Are You There Netflix, It's Me, A Person* Who Could Create a Funnier Show For You.

Very Danny Tanner-esque

1. I never thought I'd utter the words I just can't anymore but I just can't anymore with all this Honey Barf Barf.

omg. this is the stuff that all of my childhood dreams were made of.

oh my god this needs to be turned into a drinkable Agatha Christie novel

Always looking for a good excuse to cue up Bette Davis Eyes, so thanks!

I am closing my eyes and tapping my Converse three times. I am not Angela Chase, I am not Angela Chase, I am not Angela Chase.

If only he had been escorted down the aisle by Mrs Garrett

that picture is perfect

I remain unconvinced that she is in that photo. This could be the beginning of a "the real Beyonce died a long time ago" conspiracy theory".

Is your uncle Dave Coulier?

ugh, no more lululemon. why not just open an adult diaper store?