The only major scar I have is from peeling an orange.

I once got a single strand of hair wrapped around a single taste bud while the hair was still attached to my head (Carrying something with both hands, hair got in my mouth, tried to spit it out instead of using my hands, calamity occurred). I ran to my mom frantic, trying to explain what had happened with my tongue…

Kids at ALL weddings! No? Kids at NO weddings! No? Kids at some weddings, miniature American flags for others!

I honestly think if they faked it, they'd have made them both funnier. I mean, they are cute but neither of them was doing something THAT embarrassing. If they were going to fake it I think they would have gone all out with the singing or dancing.

I wanted desperately to quit Brownies after, like, two meetings and my mom was like, "Are you kidding me? I just spent a fortune on that damn uniform. You're a Brownie till you grow out of it." And that's why I was in Girl Scouts for three years.

I quit the badminton team in high school (I had only joined to pad my resume for college apps) and the coach didn't notice. I stopped showing up to practice and games like a month before the season ended (I was terrible and also hated badminton), but my friend who stayed on the team said that at the sports award night…

Of all the weight loss plans/gimmicks, the only one I've ever seen real life success stories with has been Weight Watchers. I know that's because the program is really just having people eat less, exercise more, but whatever, it seems to work for a lot of people.

Vewy sweepy baby might get the point across better.

I was getting angrier and angrier the longer I scrolled down without seeing Jessica Williams. I shouldn't have doubted. Flawless list.

Watching that Larry King interview, you can really see how easily he did all this. He didn't think it was wrong. He clearly thought this was something every man would do if he could. He doesn't even realize he's a monster.

I threw a house party for NYE the last three years but I'm done this year. Too much work, too much clean up. And now all my friends are like, "Ugh, I guess we'll just stay home if you're not doing a party again." Uh, I gave you dicks an awesome party three years in a row and now I'm sitting on my couch like a chump…

Our family policy is that if you want to talk politics (i.e. if you want to be a racist dickbag), you gotta do it outside. Go stand out in the cold and whip yourself into an apoplectic rage about Obamacare or the second amendment or The Gays, but when you come back inside better keep it all sugarplums and candycanes.…

Kids are the worst. My mom frequently reminds me of the trouble she went through for that furby. It's her greatest Christmas "get."

Best and worst: The year of the Furby craze my mom couldn't afford to buy our gifts until her paycheck came a few days before Christmas. By that time, the Furbies were long gone from the shelves. This was before craigslist or ebay so she was totally distraught that she had ruined Christmas, until she spotted a car in…

Not RSVPing makes me fucking insane and I have taken to straight up calling people out about it. A recent work event I was in charge of I had twice as many people show up as I had RSVP for it and so we ran out of food. And when I got a snarky remark about it I said, "Well, I bought enough food for the people who…

But when will the next book come out?!? WHEN?! How did I let you do this to me AGAIN, JKR?

Santa knows if you've been bad or good. That's his whole shtick. Her questions seem valid.

Our love is not meant to be :(

Those glasses that change to sunglasses when you go outside. The first two evening dates went great. Then we went for a midday hike. It was over the second we walked outside.

I had both Puppy Surprise and a Pony Surprise. The puppy one came with three puppies, which I was happy about as I was one of three kids. I named the mom after my mom and the pups after myself and my siblings. The Pony Surprise came with four ponies. I named the first three after myself and my siblings. I didn't know…