I immediately thought of AH as well, based on Disney's Belle. But Alison Brie, YES! Also, Terry Crews should still play her father. Alan Cumming as Lumiere! Louis CK as Cogsworth.

Jokes on us. Deactivation is a paaaaaain.

Yeah, for when you gotta find that Manic Pixie Fuck Buddy. That's the dream: a one night stand who interrupts sex to say, "Let's dress up as pirates and go on a scavenger hunt!"

The eyes on your eyelids are terrifying. Its kind of like:

Do you mean the "Zooey Deschanel/Manic Pixie Dream Girl" Tinder?

First of all, fuck no. Give me a shot of Jager.

Seriously. When are college students going to start treating college like the professional environment it in no way is?

Consider your curiosity satiated, because it sounds like angry Christians yelling while soft rock plays in the background.

I could tutor you but I'd have to charge.

Not to quibble, but Texans already have a flag to be proud of. We don't need to co-opt Georgia's.

Difference is you show a cat where to shit once and they won't repeatedly do it on your carpet while staring you in the eye. Cats have shame.

Does your IQ go up for each cat you have? Because I have 5, so I'm guessing I should be a rocket surgeon.

IDK, I poop in my house. Where do you poop?

What if you're a cat person AND a dog person?

I know, the people that openly hate the idea of ever having children, which I have no problem with, but then call themselves mothers because they own puppies is infuriating. Your beast is not a baby, it is a slave to a benevolent master to compensate for some social inadequacy at best.

Seriously.

I think the correct term for bird people is "asshole"

No, because Wal-Mart is evil.

True story: I worked at a pub where the owner came up with the idea to build a hamster race track. In the pub. Seriously. His idea would be that parents and children would come in with the hamster balls, set them on the track, and say (his words, not mine):
"GO, FUCKER!"
Sadly, this did not come to fruition.