#notallgawkerwriters

"Is that your grandma's goat?"

What I'm most excited about it that they're all using a .pn Internet country code- which I'm guessing is for Panem, but really belongs to the Pitcairn Islands, the smallest country in the world with a labor force of 15 people. I would always fight to be them in Model UN (to the dismay of my teachers since they're not…

I used to kill them for the money, whenever I was reluctant to use the cheat codes. I'd marry one of the swanky Goth family, then kill them and start my own little family.

I bet you get all kinds of crazies masturbating in your place of employment, though.

I know! I understand that it's hard to understand people that are crying, and this is the situation where you need to get information quickly, but there are so many ways to phrase that in a more compassionate way.

Agnes. AGNES. I would have been born an 80-year old woman, Benjamin Button style, complaining about my joints and with my head swaddled in a scarf like Edie from Grey Gardens.

Good luck removing that nail polish. Textured nail polish is the worst! It takes about one zillion cotton balls, soaking in nail polish remover and hours to get it all off.

It's expensive considering the easiness of cultivating limes. They're normally a hardy tree, yield limes pretty constantly throughout most of the year, and if you shake a tree, like 50 limes fall down at a time.

Touché. What I kind of meant was with all the spotlight this kid is getting, it reflects badly on the school. But then again, this is the school that gave us the shittiest gift ever in Rick Perry.

I don't know how it works at A&M, but at UT, the professor knows who the football players are and if they show up late, he makes them go up to the lectern and apologize. They also have someone sitting in in all their classes that takes list.

In the middle of hell-week, feeling bad about not showing up to my (unpaid) work at a laboratory without an excuse, I bought one of those huge ankle casts from CVS and hobbled around on it one day. The lab manager let me go home and not return for two weeks.

I think Lindsey Wixson is gorgeoussss, but mostly because I adore her lips. The "odd" look is increasingly popular, though.

Deep fried salsa is DELICIOUS.

Yeah, but no one is wearing them for the arrival pics even, or at least not in the pictures I've seen.

I like to think that they were all like... "white... does that mean a white suit? Shit... I'll get someone to Google it for me later." and then promptly forgot and wore a white thing.

I once drank a six pack of Woodchuck. Then I read the calories and realized I had consumed the recommended intake for the day in one sitting.

I love your comment except for the cat-people shade. WE ARE LOVELY PEOPLE!

I got lice once in high school because of a lice outbreak and cried all through the treatment, including as my mom brushed my hair with the little comb to remove everything. Honestly, there's no way I could ever thank my mom enough for picking through my lice-infested hair.

Google ostrich erection, I dare you.