I hope everyone who ever walked into my store and said, “Payless? More like pay MORE!” upon seeing a $20 price tag is happy. Their devastating quip finally brought the glue shoe giant down.

The flashing screens are definitely a lie, but there are programs that that automatically assess fingerprint matches. They assign scores to the match, which determines whether a human looks at the prints to make an identification or not. I’m not sure how this is different, other than going a step beyond match scores…

I think the whitest thing about this segment is that they used water instead of milk. Go ahead and @ me. I’m ready.

He testified in the sentencing this week, but he’s Dominican, and last I heard, he lives in DR, not Charleston.

I also like to blame other people when I open my mouth (even though I dont know what I’m talking about) and then say something irredeemably stupid.

This is my Clumber Spaniel mixed with whatever keeping my feet warm. She’s 75 lbs of wrinkles, love, and the softest fur in the world. You think you’ve pet the softest fur in the world somewhere else? No! You are a Fool and also Very Wrong. As you can see, sometimes she melts but that’s ok.

Not a single person has mentioned 2 Dope Queens, and you should all be arrested for it. It’s Jessica Williams (from The Daily Show) and Pheobe Robinson (she’s written for Girl Code and Broad City among other things) hilariously talking about regular shit that I find ridiculously relatable, in between sets from…

There just aren’t enough laws around what law enforcement can do with this kind of data. Right now we’re relying on the good conscience of the agencies and their reluctance to risk a prolonged legal battle (in my experience, a fun mix of both) and so far, with facial recognition, it’s worked out ok. But that’s more a…

I just came here to say that I read the headline as “miserable wedding ghosts” and the whole concept, including the actors, still made sense. I’m honestly a little disappointed now that I realize the characters are alive and miserable. Bitch, me too. So what?

I hate this comment so much. Every word I read brought more hate into my heart. When I thought that I could hate no more, I read the word sommelier in its douchiest form: “somm,” and I died a little bit inside. I then considered that the author trotted out their sommelier credentials in an attempt to change someone’s…

I just hope this means I can finally go back to getting a beer at the park in less than 15 minutes.

A woman sent a selfie of her boobs to my work cell a few months ago. I work at a state agency in criminal justice so my phone is FOIA-able like a motherfucker. I told her that I wasn’t the person she thought I was, which she took in a more metaphorical sense and started getting hysterical. It took a little bit to calm…

He hit to left center because thats the direction that the wind-that I only wish was as hot your take-is blowing, you wet towel.

That’s why they made Horry County PD, which is who’s investigating this case. I’m glad you had such a good time in Myrtle Beach, though. You wouldn’t have been able to do that sober, that’s for sure.

If I have to choose between a raise-which always comes with more responsibility than you bargained for-or the carefree abandonment of all my responsibilities for months on end, I’m gonsta choose carefree abandon THANK YOU

If everything is free you don’t have to work. EVERY DAY IS A VACATION PEOPLE THAT’S THE LONGEST VACATION OF THEM ALL

Whenever a dude tries to be sexy with, “tell me what you want baby,” it takes every fiber of being not to respond with, “honestly, whatever takes the least amount of effort for me.”

I feel like if I ever made up a fake post pretending to be Canadian, it would sound like this.

The Tria Precision for smaller/more sensitive areas has a $100 coupon on Amazon, bringing its price down to $150. So if you just want to hit your bikini area or facial sections, that’ll be a better option.

The Tria Precision for smaller/more sensitive areas has a $100 coupon on Amazon, bringing its price down to $150. So…

ok bye