Say no if he offers to push the shopping buggy to your car. 

Nah, I’ll wait till they show up at my local Dollar Store.

This disguised tampering is getting ridiculous. If you want to go to the Chiefs just say it.

God bless me with the overconfidence of a mediocre white head coach.

This morning they ruled out a gas leak and they’ve also said they do not suspect foul play.

until the colonel removes the cheeto chicken sandwich, a restaurant will be destroyed every night. this i swear to you

Ball Four taught me that you can just get a tan one week before spring training and your teammates will think you worked out all off-season. I tried it in 2008 and it actually worked!

“According to ESPN, Chargers running back Melvin Gordon does not plan to report to training camp for the San Diego Chargers without getting a new contract.”

I think here “PC” means “Physically Corporeal”

Hey, Bill . . . do you know how to fly this thing?

My first thought was “WTF were they thinking?!”

making public these public documents would “place the county and its taxpayers at a competitive disadvantage.” 

Damn, that kid now has a permanent scar from this.

Dear Penthouse,

He’s completing his disability paperwork this morning.

It’s just like my dad always says...
*three minute voicemail of ambient traffic noise and AM radio*

Unless things have changed since the early 2000s, the guy with the restraints is an actual Chicago cop. Which explains his struggle to put a white person in handcuffs.

Suicide. Is there a shortcut this guy won’t take?

Not sure anything is ever found alive in the LA river. 

President Trump has requested that all current US Navy frigates be upgraded or replaced by frignines.