This is a man who loves to dish it out, but can never take it. He straight up accused her (with no proof) of paying people to riot at his rallies, and she didn’t bat an eyelash. She gets medium-sassy and his head explodes.

As the lady friend of a Mexican man, I beg your permission to borrow this idea

This is true. My boyfriend has two half sisters that he hasn’t seen in at least 10 years - I’m not sure he’d even recognize them if they passed him on the street.

Don’t worry, there are more than enough typos for both of us.

This is definitely the empathetic approach. But Jez should for sure hire some freelance copy editors (I volunteer as tribute)

Fuck, I hope you’re right. I need America to restore my Anne Frank-like belief that people really are good at heart, because 2016 has been a rough one.

I used to try to laugh off the fact that I got roofied on my 20th birthday because “nothing ended up happening to me” (my friends carried me home). But honestly, fuck that. Fuck that guy who was planning on hurting me, and fuck the Trump-like attitudes that made me feel like I needed to minimize it because maybe it…

Ugh, Ross. Forever the worst.

That O.C. money must be drying up, or else she’s honestly trying to hone her “craft” – either way, I haven’t seen her wandering aimlessly around Los Feliz in a while so I guess she’s getting some work

Alex Jones’ latest is that she and Obama are literally possessed, so that’s where (hopefully less than half of) America is these days.

“We’ve got TROUBLE, my friends! With a capital T, that rhymes with P, that stands for Crooked Hillary”

This was the best one yet

Mine’s the 3rd! I’m just happy the election doesn’t fall on my actual birthday this year.

I mean, it had better be well-delivered, because you just know she’s been waiting for a chance to use it for 20 years.

I think your father’s cousin’s daughter is technically your third cousin (which would still be weird, because it means your grandparents were siblings)

My brother got his first and only DUI on his way home from chili’s (so, can confirm this is true)

Ugh, that just made me shiver. Reminds me of a David Sedaris short story where he and his mom pretend to be rich people by casually starting sentences with “my home - well, one of my homes...”

Correct (that’s what it says on my IR prescription bottle)

I mean, almost definitely yes. The only thing I can’t figure out is how somebody on such an apparently high dosage of amphetamines can still eat so much?? Seems counter-intuitive (but maybe just a testament to his yoooge appetites)

He does have years of experience in this branch of medicine