Ugh, Ross. Forever the worst.

That O.C. money must be drying up, or else she’s honestly trying to hone her “craft” – either way, I haven’t seen her wandering aimlessly around Los Feliz in a while so I guess she’s getting some work

Alex Jones’ latest is that she and Obama are literally possessed, so that’s where (hopefully less than half of) America is these days.

“We’ve got TROUBLE, my friends! With a capital T, that rhymes with P, that stands for Crooked Hillary”

This was the best one yet

Mine’s the 3rd! I’m just happy the election doesn’t fall on my actual birthday this year.

I mean, it had better be well-delivered, because you just know she’s been waiting for a chance to use it for 20 years.

I think your father’s cousin’s daughter is technically your third cousin (which would still be weird, because it means your grandparents were siblings)

My brother got his first and only DUI on his way home from chili’s (so, can confirm this is true)

Ugh, that just made me shiver. Reminds me of a David Sedaris short story where he and his mom pretend to be rich people by casually starting sentences with “my home - well, one of my homes...”

Correct (that’s what it says on my IR prescription bottle)

I mean, almost definitely yes. The only thing I can’t figure out is how somebody on such an apparently high dosage of amphetamines can still eat so much?? Seems counter-intuitive (but maybe just a testament to his yoooge appetites)

He does have years of experience in this branch of medicine

Boo don’t ruin my hyperbolic good time, man! (I take adderall every day, that’s why thought a heart-stopping dose had a fun ring too it)

That description is spot-on. He’s that coked out guy who won’t get out of your living room at 4 am and keeps telling you he knows someone who lives here, just call them! You’ll see!

My favorite was when he eventually sputtered to a stop after projectile vomiting nonsense words for 2 minutes and she said, “whew. Ok!” That kind of verbal head pat is my favorite slow burn. He’ll be thinking about it for days.

i am positively giddy at the prospect of sad Sean Hannity

Hearing him shout for multiple minutes about calling Sean Hannity reminded me of an acquaintance from my early 20s -aggressive and also addicted to coke (allegedly! We’re just asking the questions!)

Fuck, I totally forgot about that. And Mitt got wrecked for being such a Mr. Moneybags - I wonder if this will even register with most Trump fans? I also wonder if the Donald owns any dressage horses

Many people are saying Trump is probably addicted to uppers. Educated people, great people. You tell me.