Thought he was gonna be a high roller in the big leagues, instead he’s getting Munson’d out to the middle of nowhere.

Man, I was really hopeful when he got traded that he’d be able to sort out his life. The Patriots organization is usually the best at providing the proper structure and support to help players violate league rules without getting caught.  

“The Rockets Might Be Back, Dammit.”
- Allan McDonald, 1/28/86

*door flies open*

I’ve been using “clap’s back” for years.

Nothing better than references to obscure, 20+ year old songs in a Deadspin comment.

“Go rest, young man.” —Horace, freely.

I wonder how we survived when bartenders were allowed to drop a cherry into your Manhattan without wearing a latex glove. It’s like we’ve all got peanut allergies now and the government is our helicopter parent.

So the general consensus is that last night’s game was incredibly fun and exciting and the greatest game ever played since the last greatest game ever played, blah blah blah. Personally, I don’t enjoy a game that feels like the outcome will be decided by whichever team gets the ball last and barring injury everything…

Eaux neaux

Soccer players, always with the embellishment. 

I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure “Let’s go to our history, not all the history” is the actual motto of the Texas Board of Education.

“Receiving Corpse." - Chris Henry

OK, Donnie Jr., but nobody forgot about your dad’s worst deal—paying $130,000 to rent three cubic inches of Stormy Daniels for seven minutes.

Except for the fact that:

“Bowers eventually surrendered and was taken to a local hospital.”

Funbag has never made me happier than right now. A couple months ago I casually mentioned to some co-worker buddies that I don’t use the toilet seat covers and they were aghast. Came home confused and talked about it with my girlfriend; she was horrified at my behavior. All of a sudden I was the weird one for just…

Yeah, and if it is piss I wipe off with toilet paper and sit down. If it’s shit, I move stalls. My ass isn’t gonna to catch nothing.

Stop using them. Just sit on the goddamn toilet.

I used to love that one back in elementary school. I’d rush through math quizzes to get the first shot on playing this while everyone else was finishing up (there was only one computer in the classroom), until the teacher noticed that I was failing all of my math quizzes.