I want to see the AWS StatCast numbers for exit speed and launch angle.

Anyone who goes to the effort of using lasers to communicate with one of the smart speakers in my house has earned the right to adjust my thermostat or turn my lights off. I salute you, laser hacker!

Highly disappointed this isn’t a carrier that shoots lightning or that is powered by lightning, as I was led to believe by the headline

If anyone wants to hit up ole’ Jimmy Spanny himself and ask him what the fuck is going on, here’s his number! 917-881-5965

The ol’ Yokohama Steamer. Always a classic. 

This is fine because the Nationals are well suited to a bullpen game. As long as "bullpen game" means the emergency starter goes 8 innings.

Looks like someone got fed up and flung a loaf of bread dough at her.

Follow my lead tonight. At 8 PM EST, crack open a beer, go to your couch, click on the TV, and relax. Just watch baseball. We can worry about all this other stuff when the games aren’t being played.

Width is always more important than length. As my father once said(to my horror):

It’s reassuring to know that winding down with beer and barbecue after a hard day of farm work is pretty universal.

Let’s forget some guys: Paul Lo Duca.

I saw the Soup DJ at Coachella in 2008.

“soppresatta meatballs”

Yeah, I’d fuck that plate. Jesus...

Also (and I’m surprised that nobody has ever thought to say this before) fuck Tom Brady.

He tried to go mono-a-mono with the Patriots secondary...

Just get a coyote to paint a mural of a taller bridge

Yeah, sure, but also fuck the Yankees. 

There is something sublimely inept about the combination of the pessimism that causes one to call a series of screen passes and the optimism that designs those screen plays so that all the blockers on the screen side are running to start their blocking assignments five to seven yards downfield, when the receiver never…

People should also know the significance of 42, just because.  Also, rule 34.