America was never as good as you previously thought it was, and it’s not as bad as you currently think it is.

*extremely guy walking into a weekday, daytime baseball game voice*

I mean, sure it looks bad but we should really wait for the New York Times to interview these people to see if they’re sad about a steel mill closing.

The Curse of the Klanbino?

“They don’t want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something.” RIP Mitch Hedberg

“You gonna fu*k that thing or what?” - Jim McElwain

Nobody is beating Dr. Narwahls Mating.

Those people would be anybody who happened to be on a grassy lawn when a bunch of Canada geese roll up MS-13 style on you and muscle you out of a lawn. Excuse me, you Tim Horton trash birds? No no, my friend. I am the apex predator. I’ll build a condo right in your breeding ground.

Tough decision. His heart is between a rock and a hard place.

Last night, during her show Laura Ingraham Would Like To Speak To A Manager,

“I’m so sick of these athletes daring to express their opinions! For more analysis, let’s go to Fox News commentator Curt Schilling!”

Two phony rocket attacks in one week.

Honestly, as a Patriots fan, I’m kind of looking forward to it too. There’s an annoying, gross element of this fanbase that I increasingly can’t stand, and the only chance for it to ever be purged is a sustained period of mediocrity. I’ve already enjoyed more Super Bowl victories that fans of most other teams will…

I have been avoiding my great grandson Brocklynn who would like to take me to this, the 118th and allegedly penultimate Avengers film. We have been seeing these films together since time immemorial, obviously since the time when nuclear family structures and live births were the norm, as opposed the the much improved…

Maybe you missed the point. Jaylen was in high school a few years ago. He’s had to grow up and be more mature in a shorter amount of time than most people his age (I’m 24) to be where he’s at today.

“I’m fine guys. I told you, the concussion water works!”

Yeah, right. If he was so good ten years ago, then how come he’s not on the Cavs?

From Maccabi to macabre.

And Colin Kaepernick is still unsigned. SMH!